English Jokes For EveryoneWhen I die I want to wear my sexiest outfit.....Coz’ when the time comes that you will see me lying in my coffin, I want you to smile while saying“BANGIS NG GAGA , PARANG COVER GIRL” Who says English is easy? You won’t believe? Then fill the blank with either YES or NO… “OH ___, I am a monkey!” See? Hhehehe ____________ A gang decided to rob a bank…they opened every vault and found only cups of yogurt. So they ate it all… Next day, in CNN news: “BIGGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED!” Whahaha………yuck… ____________ Teacher: Class, use the word “among” in a sentence… Juan: AMONG the trees, coconut is the best! Teacher: Very Good! You Pedro? Pedro: AMONG arenola gikawat sa nagbasa! Hahahha ____________ A cute and funny way to ask someone out…. Boy: I’m invisible! Girl: Owwwzzz? Talaga? Boy: Can you see me? Girl: syempre naman! Boy: 7 pm tonight? Hehehehe ____________ What is LOVE ? Love is romantic , fantastic , realistic , dramatic and full of atik – atik(lies) .... dah lage ____________ “ THE GUN..... KAY NAAY IRO ....”Agpas “ the gun”(run) dayon ____________ Use chocolate in a sentence... CHOCO NA LATE AKO .... ___________ Your a certain person I always enjoy sendingText messages coz I want you to feel thatYou ‘ ve really a part of my expenses ... Ay mali(sorry)THOUGHTS pala ... ___________ I may not be with you everyday But one thing I promise you ... I”ll be there on your wedding day,I’m going to sit beside you while saying ... “ yes .... kaon na ni ...(eating time!) ___________ Friends are like mirrorsThey are our reflectionBusa ayaw katingala nganong hitsuraan ka ...Oh come on ... friends baya tah... ___________ Kano : why you came late ? Pedro : Juan, tabangi ko eninglish be. Ingna nagduha-duha ko ug lakaw kay ang adlaw hapon na . Juan : I two by two walk because the sun is Japanese. ___________ Roses are red , skies are blue ,Monkeys like you , should be kept in zooDon’t get angry ... you’ll find me their too...Not in the cage , but laughing at you . ___________ PRAYER BEFORE MEALS :Bless this FOOD , ako FOOD , siya FOOD , aron ang pagkaon Ma aFOOD- aFOOD u gang sud-an maiguFOODHangtud ang ngipon maFOOD-FOOD .... katawa FOOD ____________ Apo : LOLO look at those boats... Erap : Nice diba iho , they are called yachts Apo: How do you spell it ? Erap : Youre’re right iho , they’re boats. ___________ Teacher : What will change if the ice water turn into ice? Student: The price , sir.... __________ Four catholic mothers are sitting around, bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest. First mother says: My son is a monsignor and when he walks in the room, people greet him: “Good morning Monsignor!” Second mother says: Well, my son is a bishop and people greet him: “Good morning your Grace!” Third mother says: Well, my son is a cardinal and people greet him: “Good morning you’re Eminence!” The fourth mother pause and says: “My son is seven feet tall and is 350 pounds of pure muscles. When he walks outside, people greet him: “Oh My God!” __________ Last night , I’m lying on my bed , looking up the sky and the stars , the sky is so clean and the night is so peaceful ; at last I said .............. “ Ginoo ko !!!asa naman among ATOP” __________ I had a dream about you . Nasa heaven daw tayo with a cute angel , my angel was ugly , tampo ‘ko . I ask St. Peter why cute angel mo . he replied , “ Balance of Nature”. __________ A husband coming home from a confession, suddenly he lifted his wife and carried her.Wife: Why did the priest tell you to be romantic like this? Husband: No, he told me to carry my cross! __________ If only I’m an angel, I’ll protect you, I’ll lend you my wings . I’ll watch over you but I’m not an angel ............ pero may hawig naman ........ ,’DI BA ?!? __________ With this message I would like to thank you for being such a nice friend to me .... I really appreciate your goodness and truthfulness, especially when you confirmed my .... CUTENESS ! . __________ Husband telling house rule to his wife : I will eat when I want to eat and come home when I want to! Wife : Ok ! but there will be sex at 7.00 pm with or without you.!! __________ Virginity causes cancer! And cancer causes death ! So , save life ! Share your Virginity! Pls. pass this message to us virgin friend..... “ Ay ! shit ! wrong send ! “ he he he __________ It was night whike I’m walking ..,suddenly I saw a boy sitting beside a big tree ! Nalooy ko so I hug him and said : “ It’s okay. I’m here “ he replied ... “ Pakulata ka ? Hawa diha kay nalibang ko !!!! __________ Teacher : Use DOES and AMONG in the sentence . Peter : AMONG the birds , only parrot DOES talk . Teacher : Very good . Ikaw John . John : When the cow DOESmag na AMONG ang lubi. __________ A girl with her friends went to a bar. When she read the sign saying : BELOW 18 NOT ALLOWED The girl said : “ nge “ !!! uli na lang ta oy .... 10 ra man ta kabuok ... __________ American and a Filipino conversation. American: Is that an apple you are eating? __________ Beauty Pageant: Judge: What if you find that your boyfriend has AIDS, what will you do and why? Contestant: I’ll still love him.. (everybody claps) “coz, AIDS doesn’t matter!, thank you. __________ A Chinese lady can’t speak English. At the grocery, she wanted to buy pork leg, she showed her legs. Next day, she needed chicken breast, she showed her breast. On the third day, she brought along her husband because she wanted sausage. What did she do? Oh, dirty-minded! Her husband can speak English!!!. __________ Teacher: Arnold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking even when people are no longer interested?? Arnold: A teacher!!! __________ Wonder girls may say, “I want nobody, nobody but you..” Then, the boys will reply, “I want your body, your body not YOU!!! __________ True bravery is to arrive home.. “Hey mom, still cleaning?” __________ Woman with a baby on a bus.. Driver: what an ugly baby! __________ Boy: I love you! JOKES! JOKES! JOKES! MORE JOKES NEXT TIME!!!
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