Filipino English Jokes For All

When I die I want to wear my sexiest outfit..... Coz’ when the time comes that you will see me lying in my coffin, I want you to smile while saying "BANGIS NG GAGA, PARANG COVER GIRL”

Who says English is easy?

You won’t believe?

Then fill the blank with either YES or NO…

"OH ___, I am a monkey!”

See?

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A gang decided to rob a bank…they opened every vault and found only cups of yogurt. So they ate it all…

Next day, in CNN news:

"BIGGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED!”

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Teacher: Class, use the word "among” in a sentence…

Juan: AMONG the trees, coconut is the best!

Teacher: Very Good! You Pedro?

Pedro: AMONG arenola gikawat sa nagbasa!

Hahahha

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A cute and funny way to ask someone out….

Boy: I’m invisible!

Girl: Owwwzzz? Talaga?

Boy: Can you see me?

Girl: syempre naman!

Boy: 7 pm tonight?

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What is LOVE ?

Love is romantic, fantastic, realistic, dramatic and full of atik – atik(lies).... dah lage

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" THE GUN.....

KAY NAAY IRO....” Agpas " the gun”(run) dayon

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Use chocolate in a sentence...

CHOCO NA LATE AKO....

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Your a certain person I always enjoy sending
Text messages coz I want you to feel that
You've really a part of my expenses...

Ay mali(sorry) THOUGHTS pala...

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I may not be with you everyday
But one thing I promise you...

I”ll be there on your wedding day, I’m going to sit beside you while saying...
" yes.... kaon na ni...(eating time!)

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Friends are like mirrors
They are our reflection
Busa ayaw katingala nganong hitsuraan ka...
Oh come on... friends baya tah...

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Kano : why you came late ?

Pedro : Juan, tabangi ko eninglish be. Ingna nagduha-duha ko ug lakaw kay ang adlaw hapon na.

Juan : I two by two walk because the sun is Japanese.

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Roses are red, skies are blue,
Monkeys like you, should be kept in zoo
Don’t get angry... you’ll find me their too...
Not in the cage, but laughing at you.

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PRAYER BEFORE MEALS :
Bless this FOOD, ako FOOD, siya FOOD, aron ang pagkaon
Ma aFOOD- aFOOD u gang sud-an maiguFOOD
Hangtud ang ngipon maFOOD-FOOD.... katawa FOOD

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Apo : LOLO look at those boats...
Erap : Nice diba iho, they are called yachts
Apo: How do you spell it?
Erap : Youre’re right iho, they’re boats.

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Teacher : What will change if the ice water turn into ice?
Student: The price, sir....

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Four catholic mothers are sitting around, bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest.
First mother says: My son is a monsignor and when he walks in the room, people greet him: "Good morning Monsignor!”
Second mother says: Well, my son is a bishop and people greet him: "Good morning your Grace!”
Third mother says: Well, my son is a cardinal and people greet him: "Good morning you’re Eminence!”
The fourth mother pause and says: "My son is seven feet tall and is 350 pounds of pure muscles. When he walks outside, people greet him: "Oh My God!”

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Last night, I’m lying on my bed, looking up the sky and the stars,
the sky is so clean and the night is so peaceful;
at last I said..............
"Ginoo ko !!!asa naman among ATOP"

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I had a dream about you. Nasa heaven daw tayo with a cute angel, my angel was ugly, tampo 'ko. I ask St. Peter why cute angel mo. he replied, " Balance of Nature”.

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A husband coming home from a confession, suddenly he lifted his wife and carried her.
Wife: Why did the priest tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No, he told me to carry my cross!

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If only I’m an angel, I’ll protect you, I’ll lend you my wings. I’ll watch over you but I’m not an angel............ pero may hawig naman........,’DI BA ?!?

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With this message I would like to thank you for being such a nice friend to me.... I really appreciate your goodness and truthfulness, especially when you confirmed my.... CUTENESS !.

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Teacher : Use DOES and AMONG in the sentence.
Peter : AMONG the birds, only parrot DOES talk.
Teacher : Very good. Ikaw John.
John : When the cow DOESmag na AMONG ang lubi.

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A girl with her friends went to a bar.
When she read the sign saying : BELOW 18 NOT ALLOWED
The girl said : "nge" !!! uli na lang ta oy.... 10 ra man ta kabuok...

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American and a Filipino conversation.
American: Is that an apple you are eating?
Filipino: Yes.
American: You know, in States, only poor people eat an apple.
Filipino: Oh, is that true?
Is that a banana you are eating?
American: Yes.
Filipino: You know, in Philippines, only monkeys eat banana.

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Beauty Pageant:
Judge: What if you find that your boyfriend has AIDS, what will you do and why?
Contestant: I’ll still love him..
(everybody claps)
"coz, AIDS doesn't matter!, thank you".

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A Chinese lady can’t speak English. At the grocery, she wanted to buy pork leg, she showed her legs. Next day, she needed chicken breast, she showed her breast. On the third day, she brought along her husband because she wanted sausage. What did she do?
Oh, dirty-minded!
Her husband can speak English!!!.

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Teacher: Arnold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking even when people are no longer interested??
Arnold: A teacher!!!

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Wonder girls may say,
"I want nobody, nobody but you..”
Then, the boys will reply,
"I want your body, your body not YOU!!!"

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True bravery is to arrive home..
fully drunk from late night out and mom waiting with a broom in hand, then you asked:

"Hey mom, still cleaning?”

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Woman with a baby on a bus..
Driver: what an ugly baby!
The mother was hurt, she went to another seat.
The man next to her asked, "What’s wrong?”
Woman: The driver just insulted me.
Man: He should give you respect! Go get his name and I.D. number. I’ll hold your MONKEY for you! (LOL)

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Boy: I love you!
Girl: shut up
Boy: I want you!
Girl: shut up
Boy: I miss you!
Girl: shut up
Boy: Will you marry me?
Girl:` Really?
Boy: shut up! Mahal Bugas (rice is expensive)!!!

JOKES! JOKES! JOKES! MORE JOKES NEXT TIME!!!

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